Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
