if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
how drunk are you?
Several
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
