im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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