I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
