Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
