I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
