If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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