update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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