I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just puked most of my soul out..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
