I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
