one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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