like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
