I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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