I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
