I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
