i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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