maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
