He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
