i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
