I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
