I CAN MOONWALK!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
