New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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