I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
