Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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