I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
