I just saw a hot homeless man
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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