he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i now understand why vodka
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
