I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
