I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
