apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
