Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
