It's like God shit irony all over that family
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
