...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
