it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
