I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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