Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
