i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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