I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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