How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
