Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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