so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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