I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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