when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
