I am in a vortex of obligation.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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