If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
