I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
