I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We left the knife in your bed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
