I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
