There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You made out with two different species that night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
