i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
